Disney movies lie: You can't magically poof a room clean, nor does whistling while you work make it any more fun.
I could make a pretty amazing stew using the food that the toddlers have left on the floor throughout the house....
I kinda wanna punish the 5-year-old for singing, "All I Want For Christmas is Poo", but frankly, by 5-year-old's standard, it's kinda clever.
I need to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, I mean drinking a spiked Capri Sun and spraying everything with Febreeze.
When I say, "Don't do that", what my children hear is "Mom says its okay as long as she's not looking". There is no other explanation.
I just saw my own shadow and screamed, in case any of you were wondering how useful I would be in a zombie apocalypse.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it’s also my cellphone.
Kids toys should come with better warning labels, like, “LOUD AS HELL” and “NO OFF SWITCH” and “REQUIRES 217 BATTERIES.” That would be helpful.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Sometimes I believe my best parenting skill is yelling idle threats.
I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work.
The Food Network should air a disclaimer before all its programs. “Warning: the following show features stunts performed by chefs who didn’t have to worry about washing dishes afterwards.
It's officially Merry "why-in-the-world-did-we-think
I'm one plum pudding away from a Yuletide meltdown....
After hearing some of the names of kids these days, I'm convinced the parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score. Hello Philipyeous, so nice to meet you.
Why is it always hours after my monsters are asleep that I realize how lucky I am to be their mom?? They ask WAY too many questions, cling to me (even as I try to pee in private, to no avail) and insist that I entertain them every moment of every day, but when their sleeping.....oh, how precious! To see them breathe deep and smile in their sleep and know they are loved so much. Thank you God for giving us these moments to remind us that though we come up short daily as a parent, you "watch over them with singing". We accept them as the messy, crazy little blessings that they are.