This Just In!

If you are new to the Miss Banana Pants scene, you should know 3 things about me. . .first, my kids drive me crazy. This is a "deliriously-happy-yet-tear-my-hair-out kind of crazy". I love them. This is obvious. But sometimes I need to be 500 yards away from them or I may duct tape them to a wall. Why? Because they are curious. . .about EVERYTHING. The questions ABOUND. Raising a five-year-old is like playing a daily game of 20 Questions. . . .6,578,923 times in a row. I know that I have been put here to teach, instruct, guide, and foster their growing mind and love for learning. But sometimes their curiosity is JUST. TOO. MUCH. I don't have all the answers. I don't know what to say! Secondly, you should know that I love facial hair. My husband uses this fact against me and sports a healthy growth of scruff to tempt me on a daily basis. I will admit that men everywhere know my secret as well. If you see a boy with a little afternoon shadow walking around Wal-Mart in Edmond, Oklahoma, just know he's doing it on purpose to try to catch my eye. I will not buckle under pressure. I will remain faithful to my first love. (Swoon) What does this have to do with anything?. . .well, it brings me to the third thing that you should know about Miss Banana Pants. . .I have an extreme heart for parenting parents. You see, all kidding and sarcasm aside, I didn't have the best parents myself. My dad had a mustache (probably contributed to my affection for facial hair later in life) But really. . . Who's were perfect?! Sometimes (almost daily) growing up, I would wonder what in the world God was thinking when He paired me with such a dysfunctional home-life. I had so many questions, so much I wanted to know and be taught, and my parents were too wrapped up in their own drama and the turmoil that comes with a nasty divorce to recognize that I needed TEACHERS. I needed someone to mirror, to look to for teenage advice about boys and life and God, and so many times, I was left to experiment and find all the answers by myself. I don't want my boys to have this dilemma. I want to be there for their incessant questions. And more than that, it's my desire to ultimately help other parents get to that place where they realize the amazing responsibility that they have right in front of them. Parenting. What a hard job. . .especially as they get older, and the questions turn from superheroes to sex, drugs, and rock & roll (well, maybe I'm looking forward to the questions about rock & roll. . .)

My good friend, Chris Spradlin who blogs over at EpicParent shares this same passion! His website provides ALL KINDS of relevant parenting advice and tips from someone who knows and is walking this road with us! He's put together an E-Book (HIS FIRST) that is just plain AWESOME and I just had to share it with you!!

Why should you read it?

• According to research from Family Safe Media, the largest group of viewers of Internet porn is children between ages 12 and 17.

• In 2001, a study by social psychologists at the London School of Economics showed that 9 out of 10 children (ages 11 to 16) had viewed pornography on the internet.

• National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com reported that 20% of teens overall have sent or posted nude or semi-nude pictures or videos of themselves.

• According to the National Youth Risk Behavior Survey:  47.8 percent of High School students are having sex.

• The Department of Health and Human Services  found that 30 percent of 15- to 17-year-old girls had experienced sex.

• The Department of Health and Human Services reports that 13 percent of girls and 15 percent of boys have had sex before the age of 15.

• Centers for Disease Control (CDC) report that by the age of 20,  nearly three fourths of all teens have had sex.

• The Centers for Disease Control reports that 70 percent of teenagers ages 15 to 17 have engaged in oral sex.

NUFF SAID!

You can download it HERE. 

As if you can't just take my word for it. . .here is a little sneak peak into what this who e-book is about. . . .

SAMPLE EXCERPT FROM SEX, LUST, & XXX

For several years I lived in the snow globe winter wonderland known as Steamboat Springs, a ski resort in Colorado. This is a town where the marching band “marches” in cross country skis, businesses open late when there are eighteen or more inches of fresh powder, and dogs have more rights than people.

For years I was on staff at Euzoa Bible Church, situated in the “Beverly Hills” area of Steamboat Springs. The property that Euzoa sat on would absolutely blow your mind: Thirty acres in the mountains, epic pine trees that stretch to the clouds, a spring-fed pond where we played ice hockey in the winter, and foxes, owls, porcupines, moose, and black and cinnamon bears. In fact, I’ve had more than my fair share of frightening, wet-my-pants encounters with these bears. But that comes with the territory.

My oldest son, Cole (a.k.a. Coletrain, a.k.a. Train), was once sitting on the pier that stretches over Euzoa’s pond. He had just tugged his shoes off, taking a moment to contaminate the pure water with his nasty junior high boy feet, when suddenly he spotted a huge, monster-headed, cinnamon bear heading his way. Cole jumped up, thrust his chest out, stood on his very tippy toes, stretched his arms to the sky, stared the bear down, and started praying his guts out as loud as he could.

Even if you don’t know much about bears, you probably realize that this approach is not recommended for bear scaring. But I hadn’t led Cole through his official Team Sprad “What to do when you encounter an eight-foot bear when Dad’s not around” course yet. I guess Train was just hoping that this Goliath would feel (and smell) the Mighty Wrath of Cole and hightail it back into the woods. But I’ll tell you the rest of this little episode later…
Another time several years ago, I was out at the Euzoa Church property, burning a little midnight oil trying to get some work done. When I finished, I walked out the front door of my office only to be greeted by a monstrous black bear standing right in front of me. When this twenty-foot-tall beast saw me, he reared up on his tree-trunk hind legs, raised his two-foot-long claws into the air, bared his ninja-sword fangs, started thrashing his bulldozer head around, and let out a deafening growl that cracked the earth beneath him. (And worse, he got his slobber all over me.)

At that moment, I may have wet myself…just a little bit.

So we were standing there, face to face (or I guess, more like face to bellybutton) and time stood still. And then, in that slow-motion moment, I pulled up my Daniel-san Karate Kid crane technique from the Eighties. I raised my arms, lifted my left knee, and then let it drop it–BAM! He never saw it coming. I kicked that giant bear square in the gut with my right foot, knocking the fight clean out of him!
No? Okay. Then try this one:

I screamed like a seven-year-old girl and darted back into my office, slamming the door behind me. Then I crouched, shivered, and cried under my desk for what seemed like at least an hour.

I don’t remember exactly. It was pretty dark that night. But it was one of those two outcomes.

Parents, there is a monstrous, eight-foot bear looming over your kids, poised to devour them!

“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.” –John 10:10a

Mom and Dad, this bear’s name is Satan, and he is a destroyer! He has deadly claws and fangs that rip flesh, and he is hovering over your kids. If you don’t act, he will steal your daughter’s virginity! If you don’t DO something, he will steal your kids’ innocence! He will kill their relationship with Jesus! He will kill their purity! And he will destroy their lives!

We live in a world today that is saturated with Lust, Sex, and Triple XXX. And it is OUR responsibility to protect our kids’ hearts.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” –Proverbs 4:23

It is our job–no, it is our great privilege–to guard, surround, protect, stand up for, and fight for our kids’ hearts.

Throughout this ebook, I’m going to share with you expansions on stories and ideas that I’ve written during the last couple of years. I am passionate about helping parents just like you cultivate purity in your family–even in this sex-saturated world.

Okay, so go get your copy! Again. . .you can download it for FREE HERE. If your kiddos are small, as mine are, get it and file it away for the future! Someday, those questions about Dora the Explorer and Sponge Bob will turn to the opposite sex, God, and what all this "sex stuff" is about. . .Be prepared! 

Happy Wednesday, folks! 

The Post That's Going Nowhere. . .

As you read this, my familia grande is headed to the beautiful beaches of South Padre Island, TX. Be very jealous!  This is our first beach vaca as a whole family and we decided to take the grandparents as moral support. Okay, really, they invited us, and we accepted the offer of an amazing condo on the beach with promises of a view to die for and some "private time" for me and the Mr. while we're there.  How could we say No!?

Did I mention that we're "road-tripping" it? This is also a first. Two toddlers in a car for 13 hours one way may just be the death of us all, but we started praying for peaceful travels about a week ago and I invested in really trendy zebra print duct tape as a last resort. No seriously.  I wouldn't do that, but what I have done is extensive research in how (Pinterest/Google/Mommy Bloggers everywhere) advise on keeping wee monsters busy in the car for that long without major meltdowns. Another post will outline how exactly that worked out for us. My fingers are crossed. Twice. Start sending prayers our way! I'm not entirely ecstatic about being in the car that long myself, so I'm hoping that I don't have the hubs drop me at a random rest area a quarter of the way there. . .

Speaking of Pinterest and other Bloggers (we were talking about them right? I can't seem to keep up with my own thoughts today. . .) Have I mentioned in awhile that I have another blog as well? I'm going to be honest, I'm not as witty and hilarious over there.  It's about going From Couch Potato to Marathon Mom in less than a year.  I'm not gonna blow smoke your way, folks. . .it's not looking good. Mainly because it's 118 degrees everyday here in Oklahoma and the wind is not "sweeping down the plains" lately. It's hotter than Hades, and that's an understatement.  Who wants to run in that shaz?! Not this mama, I'll tell ya that much! But if you like learning an ametuer's tips and tricks for leading a healthy lifestyle, or just think it would be mildly entertaining to hear all about me tripping over my shoelaces every other day, then check it out. Really. . .right now.  Tell me your thoughts. . .I'll wait for your return.  I have nothing better to do with my time tonight. . .

Except maybe child wrangle. That's right, it's 9:30 p.m. and my children are still awake. Can I hear all you "perfect mothers" GASP?!  First of all, how in the heck do you do it? If you truly exist. . .these moms that I hear of that keep their little ones on a strict schedule and put them to bed promptly at 7:30 p.m. and cuddle up next to their love on the couch for some peaceful grown-up time. . .the idea is so elusive to me. Like Bigfoot.  (Speaking of which, have any of you seen the show Finding Bigfoot??? Show of the year, I tell ya!)  Back to why my rugrats are still up and going strong. . .their parents are big screw-ups and our need for an afternoon nap at 4:00 p.m. won out over keeping our precious duo's routine in check so ALL OF US slept til 7:00 p.m.  I have a feeling it will be a long evening. We also happen to be enjoying pizza and breadsticks for dinner. At 9:30 p.m. Sometimes you can just tell that someone is looking at you and thinking, "How in the world did any hospital let them take these children home?" and to that I say, "Good question. I have NO idea." We're winners.

So the point of this post (I promise that there was one to begin with) was to mirror so many of these bloggers "Get To Know Me" posts.  The ones where you tell everyone everything that they never really wanted to know about you in the first place.  I realized that I've never done one of those. And I'm not even sure who started the whole idea, so here is me giving credit and linking up to Anonymous Brilliant Mommy Blogger whose idea this was in the first place. You can thank them when you realize that you now know more about me than you ever wanted to know.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? 
Nope, not that I'm aware. My dad said "Let it be" and my mom didn't argue.  I think they did alright. I can think of a LOT worse than Miss Banana Pants --Okay, really it's Michelle Nicole, but same diff.


2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 
Probably the last time that my in-laws told us they would take the kids for the whole weekend. Or when my 3-year-old went #2 in the potty chair. It's a close one. 


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? 
I seriously have amazing handwriting.  I wish you could all see it. You would be so incredibly jealous.  I attribute it to the many years I was in cheerleading and forced to practice doodling "GO BRONCOS" in giant bubble letters. 


4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I've always had a hatred for lunch meat.  Mainly because I don't do edges on things. It's a texture thing.  Can't stand the way it feels in my mouth. I realize that I'm odd. But since you are forcing me to choose, I'd say turkey. Edge-less.


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 
I have two adorably mischevious boys. Noah Scott--Mr. Grouchy Pants is 5 and starting kindergarten this year (Hallelujah!) and Micah Benjamin--Mr. Stinky Pants is barely 3 and leading us on a heckova potty-training adventure.


6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? 
Absolutely.  But I'd be a bit annoyed at me at times. I can be irritatingly witty and humorous and possibly make all my friends seem boring in comparison. I'm also super humble. The whole package, folks. 

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? 
Never. That's ridiculous.


8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? 
As a matter of fact, I do.  I also still have my toes, tongue, wisdom teeth, gallbladder, and hoo-ha. Some of these questions. . .why would anyone even care. Moving on. 


9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not if you paid me a million zillion dollars. The feeling of falling for me rates right up there with the desire that I have to allow 10 giant tarantulas crawl on my naked body. 

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? 
If I were to be honest with you, I would say Reeses Peanut Butter Puffs.  But since I'm trying to make you (and myself) think that I'm on a healthy lifestyle kick, I will say Special K Vanilla Almond Flakes.  That's my final answer. 

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? 
I try pretty hard to not wear shoes. And when I do, it's flip flops 99% of the time. Come to think of it, I don't remember tying or untying shoes in years. 

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? 
Physically, I'm working on it . Emotionally I’m a Rock of Ages.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? 
Probably Strawberry. I like pink things. 

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? 
Whether or not they are smiling. And whether or not they have facial hair.  If you're a guy, this is a GREAT thing.  If you are a girl. . .NOT so much. 

15. RED OR PINK? 
Underwear? Socks? Bow Ties? Be a tad more specific people. 

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? 
My second child was ripped from my body through a very attractive incision just below my belly button.  I show it to everyone. It's the highlight of my battle wounds. Nah, really, it sucks and I hate it. I will probably never wear a bikini again and this brings great grief to my heart. 

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? 
I have to say, in all seriousness, my grandma.  She was the crankiest, most sarcastic, yet loving women I've ever met. I like to think that I recieved all of her greatest attributes. 

18. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING THAT YOU THINK ABOUT IN THE MORNING?
Food. And whether or not I should go for Peanut Butter Puffs or Special K. 

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
We've went over this. I abhor shoes. Therefore, I am barefoot.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
The pizza that we bought for dinner just didn't hit the spot, so the hubs stopped and got me a Caramel Apple Empenada from Taco Bell. It's heaven in a hot pocket form. 

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? 
The sounds of my little monsters fighting over who gets to be Buzz and who gets to be Woody in their pretend  world. 

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? 
Yellow.  I like to "Liven". That's my thang. 

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Freshly mowed grass and the scent of a campfire. 

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? 
My sister. She works the night shift at the ER and has the funniest stories of all the crazy reasons these weirdos find themselves in the ER at midnight. She should really have her own blog. No lie. 

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
I would live on the beach. End of story. 

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? 
Thunder Basketball and OU Sooner Football. 

27. HAIR COLOR? 
Which season is it? Naturally, I'm a dirty blonde. That's a color, not a personality trait. 

28. EYE COLOR? 
(The color of the ocean) blue. 

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? 
I've got perfect vision. Just ask my kids. I don't miss a thing. 

30. FAVORITE FOOD? 
Queso. (I just said that in a very hispanic accent too.)

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? 
Happy endings. Preferably if they happen on a beach somewhere.  

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 
Batman: Dark Knight Rising

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? 
I'm in a red striped sundress. Without a bra. Because ain't nobody got time for that. 

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? 
Currently, it's smoldering here in Oklahoma.  Like 118 degrees and that is void of exaggeration. So I vote for a mild winter. 

35. HUGS OR KISSES? 
I'll take both. Wrap them up.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? 
Caramel Apple Empenada. oh em gee. 

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
I'd much rather run around that lift heavy things that don't need to be moved. 

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
TV. Law & Order Marathons. Enough said. 

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? 
Reading "Momfluential" by someone that I can't remember right now.  I'm terrible.  But it's a good one. Go out and get a copy. 

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? 
I am on a laptop so it has a cute touch pad. No mouse pad. 

42. FAVORITE SOUND? 
Silence. Something I don't get very often. 

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? 
They are both old and classic. I'd much rather tune into something full of janky rap lyrics about booties and droppin it like it's hot and hammer time. Let's keep the momentum up, yo.  

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Ghana, Africa. Never felt so lost and so found all at the same time.  I'll have to do a post about that soon. Note to self. 

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? 
I'm a certified professional child wrangler. Don't try this without proper training. 

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 
Oklahoma City, OK

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Edmond, America. Where you'll find bison statues around every corner and the smell of dogfood permeates the streets every Tuesday, courtesy of the Purina plant. It's heaven on earth. 

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
A vibrant beige color. 

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
An equally vibrant brown color. But at least it's not a mini-van. No, I'm not hating. I just hate them as much as I hate edges on my deli meat. 

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?
It's been an exciting time. 


And here, for your viewing pleasure is a photo of me at this very moment. Taken, ever so professionally by Mr. Grouchy Pants. :)

(**And then of course, edited slightly by me because I can't afford to have you see my zits and/or my lack of bra. You're welcome.)

She Must Be Trippin!. . . ROAD Tripping With Toddlers

Aren't road trips the best? For weeks before a vacation, I envision the fun of packing up the family vehicle, everyone smiling, as we drive down the road, leaving our cares behind us for the next several days. We have our route planned out, we've remembered to pack everything, and it's pretty much picture-perfect right down to the cute luggage and my perfectly-polished toes.

I've personally had me and the kiddos bags packed for almost two weeks.  I'm BEYOND ready to hit the beach!  This will be our first family beach vacation. . .jumping waves, building sandcastles, collecting seashells, late night talks on the patio listening to the ocean tide. . .I cannot imagine a more perfect week! (Can you tell I'm pumped?!)  There's only one problem. . . South Padre Island is 13 hours away. Let me say it again, THIRTEEN FREAKIN HOURS in the car with two toddlers who can barely get along in our own living room for 5 minutes.  The thought of being trapped in a moving metal box with them for that long rates right up there with terrorist torture techniques, I'm sure of it.  Which is why we've never braved this massive feat before. We were scared we wouldn't make it to said destination alive.  No matter how many times I envision the perfect road trip situation, I have my doubts as to the amount of sheer desperation I will feel as we finally pull up to the condo on Monday afternoon.  Because as high as my hopes are for this family road trip, I also am well aware that 750 miles down the road, 2 fighting toddler boys, and dozens of spilled slushies later, I'm bound to look a bit more like this. . . 

I know, scary, right?! 

Whatever I do, I am intent on not turning into Momzilla and ruining this vacation for everyone. I've researched for weeks, gathered resources and advice from other moms I know in the "road-trippin biz" and have compiled a whole bag of activities to keep these little monsters busy and from stealing me of my sanity. I've decided to share them with you, and will do a follow-up post prior to vaca to let you know how we all fared this adventure.  After it's all said and done, the only advice I may have for you in the end is bring a pink flask full of Malibu and musician certified ear plugs.  But for now, here are the plans I have for surviving our first family roadtrip:

Let's Talk Snacks:

If it's one thing I don't want to spend money on, it's JUNK at every single gas stop.  I found this idea on Pinterest. It's a snack kit, made from a school supply organizer.  Pick out all your kids favorite small snacks and fill it up.  One thing we are doing in addition is bringing a mini ice chest full of ziploc bags of refridgerated snack foods, such as: bite-sized cantelope slices, blueberries, baby carrots, grapes, juice boxes, sliced cucumbers, and mini lunchables. All these healthy snacks should make it the whole 13 hour trip.  We'll stock up at a Wal-Mart and replenish for the trip back home as well!

Let's Talk Technology:

As far as entertainment for the kids, my favorite is the TV.  I know---totally original, and a big parenting faux pas. But, I personally think that the person who invented a way to put TV's in vehicles that kids can use with headphones deserves to have a day named in their honor.  I love this person, whomever they are.  And just for the record, I'm not a fan of TV watching at home all day.  I try to limit it when I can, but boy is it helpful!  When kids are trapped in a car anyway, the TV becomes one of the best inventions known to moms. Also, we've loaded up the kids ipod with about 50 games (most free actually) that they have access to at different times on the road trip. The use of both of these items may just save my sanity!

Let's Talk Activities:

DVD Coloring Case-

This was an idea that I found on Pinterest! How convenient! Take a DVD case and cut blank pages of paper to keep on one side, then store colored pencils in the other side for a quick and easy way to allow the kids to do one of their favorite things. My kiddos want to draw or color every single day. I'm so excited to try this idea on the roadtrip.

Pipe-Cleaner Fun-

This is something that I never would have thought of for the car! Another Pinterest find! I bought a couple of bags of multi-colored pipe cleaners and plan to let the boys (especially the kindergartener) practice their alphabet using them.  What a cool way to keep them busy, have no mess to clean up, and provide some educational stimulation in the car! It's a win/win!

Road Trip Bingo-

Let me just admit that my homemade bingo cards didn't turn out nearly this cool. So I found the mock-up I found online to post for you. You're welcome. I don't think you would have been able to decipher my "cow" or "gas station" symbols. Hopefully, the kids will. I just love this idea! I laminated my cards and am letting the kids use a dry erase marker to mark off each item they see as we drive along. I also brought little Dollar Store toys for them to win when they get a bingo. I think we'll really h ave fun with this one!

Reading Time-

I hope my kiddos aren't like me when they attempt to read in the car. I get sooooo motion sick! But I've brought a ton of books (a few new) for them to enjoy on the way down and back. My 5-year-old loves looking at each page and making up the story himself.  Hopefully this will make for long periods of storytime between him and brother on the way to and from! I'm counting on it!

Color Books and Crayons-

There is not much that my monsters love more than new color books and crayons. (Except maybe superheroes.) Since it's Back-to-School season, I got lots of cute books for $1 each and packages of crayons for $.50 a piece! We are bringing along cookie sheets to act as mini tables for them to have a solid service to color on as well! 

i-Spy with Books-

Okay, we all know how to play i-spy in normal everyday play, but how do you do it in the car?! With planning. My kids would play this all day long, so I had to figure out a way to adapt this game for travel. I took four of their favorite books and looked them over, front and back and made cards to coordinate with each book, listing off at least 10-15 things in each book for them to find. They will have loads of fun flipping through the pages trying to find each item and it's a great way to interact with them while they are in the backseat. At least, I hope. I'll let you know.  Theoretically, it sounds like a fabulous idea! LOL.

Stickers Galore-

Kids never get tired of stickers. My kiddos almost won't buy books anymore that don't come with stickers. Packages of their favorite characters can be found in the card aisles usually for super cheap.  That's where I grabbed these Angry Birds. I included a few sheets of paper in the ziploc bag with them so that I don't end up finding these little guys all over my seats and windows. This will be an activitiy that certainly won't buy me a lot of time, but they may enjoy it for about 20 minutes. 

Magnetic Travel Puzzles-

This activity better pay off because it sure took some time to figure out! I got the idea off Pinterest (yes. . .again!), and picked out 4 different puzzles, each about 15 peices, to magnetize. Crafts stores have craft magnets that you can cut to size, so I grabbed a roll of that and went to town. However, the sticky side wasn't all that "sticky" and kept pulling away from the puzzle pieces. I ended up hot gluing the magnets on each piece. We will use the same cookie sheets that we brought as coloring tables and put puzzles together as they stick to the cookie sheet. Brilliant, eh? I thought so too!

Stamp It Out-

I found packs of stamp toppers at the Dollar Store and decided to make an activity out of it. I included a few sheets of paper in each ziploc packet as well. This can be fun to encourage counting skills. . .I plan to ask the kiddos to say, "Stamp 4 in a row" and so on. This should keep them busy for a bit. 

When All Else Fails, Signal Batman-

Okay, I cheaped out on most of the activities and snacks for the road so I thought I'd make up for it in the things that count. . .Superheroes!  I bought my duo two new superhero action figures, one for the road up, one for the road back.  Truthfully, these little men in capes will keep them occupied for about as long as a full movie. They will be battling it out against bad guys in the backseat for at least an hour or so each time. New toys are the best! And eavesdropping onto conversations such as, "Being a hero is dirty business!", "Take your shot, punk!", and "I'm about to rock your world, bad guy!" is just the kind of entertainment that I need after 500 miles. Hopefully, I'll get some much needed laughs out of the deal too. :)

Well, we leave in just TWO days! We plan to come back rested, sunburned, and just a little bit tired of each other. It should be a great time. Do me a solid and pray for our little family's safety over the weekend.  I'll sure have some fun stories to tell you whenever we return! Until then. . .I'm off to make memories. . .

Your Pet Is Not a Person

Yep, ya gotta love 'em. It's the law. Try not loving your pet and see what happens. Don't get the idea I'm against animals or having a pet or two. I have found myself fostering a few dogs lately and it has brought us to the decision that it is time we become part of normal society. . .we got a dog.  Not just any dog, mind you.  We rescued the above cutie from the local animal shelter just hours before she was due to be "put down". I intend to remind her frequently that we saved her life every single time she thinks about peeing on my carpet. She is a puppy (about 7 months old) and I find myself now having TWO little monsters to toilet train. Mr. Stinky Pants has decided he rather likes the "go potty outside" method as well. Before now, the two little monsters (boys) were all the animals I needed, but things change. But one thing that I will NOT change my mind about is this...animals are not people and shouldn't be treated as such. Please don't be offended. It's just a fact of life whether we act like it is or not. I've put a great deal of thought into this hypothesis (well, I did think about it for a little while anyway). I think I've come up with 10 definitive reasons we can all agree on proving my case.

Reason 1: Lousy conversationalists.

Pets don't talk. Notice I didn't say they can't. I said they don't. Other than the random bird or two, nothing. Not a word. They either have nothing to say, in which case, they're beneath us on the food chain as any person always has something to say no matter how insane. Or, they deem us unworthy of conversation whereby they station themselves far above us and remove themselves from the realm of peoplehood. If an entity has the gift of speech, sooner or later something is gonna happen requiring some sort of statement from that entity. Accidently drop a dozen eggs on the kitchen floor (done it). One of your cats will stand there watching you clean up the mess and I swear you can see what he's thinking, "Smooth move, Sherlock", but he doesn't utter a peep (or purr). We used to have a parrot that could only say "Dumb". (Thanks to my little brother). One of the cats ate him, I think. You'd have thought he'd yell for help.

Reason 2: They're pets.

They're pets! That should be enough right there to disqualify them as human. Yeah, we all have a pet we think of as a member of the family. We even give 'em our last name and act like they're somebody. They're a PET! What living, breathing, thinking human would allow themselves to become a pet?

Try this....go next door and buy your neighbor's 5 year old for, say, $500. Make sure you get the papers on him so you can register him (this is in case somewhere down the line you want to breed him and sell the forthcoming litter). Have him eat and drink from two little bowls with his name on them that have been place on the floor, usually next to the kitchen garbage can. Smack him on the nose whenever he does something wrong and make him use the bathroom out in the yard regardless of the weather. If you do indeed try this, call me when you've completed your prison sentence. We'll do lunch.

Reason 3: No sense of financial responsibility.

Money means nothing to our pets. They never seek to enter the job market, aren't concerned about earning a decent wage, do not buy American. They're just there, sponging off the rest of us, napping, eating, sleeping, scratching, sniffing their lives away. Blissfully ignorant of what it takes to survive in todays economy.

Case in point; my sister has a weenie dog. A very pampered weenie dog that constantly gets new toys from PetsMart, gourmet dog food, and the best of the best bacon treats. Yet he eats her shoes. Flip flops Nikes, Nine West heels, Coach boots, everything. How fiscally irresponsible can ya get?

Growing up on a few acres, we went through 50 bales of hay each year to feed the cows through the winter. Do you know that's about $20 a bale?! Do the math. Do you think that even once these cows have ever chipped in to cover the expense? Never! And, to add insult to injury, they won't just eat the darn hay. They have to walk on, pee on it, play in it or, sometimes, turn their noses up at it cause they obviously want something else.

Reason 4: Carpet is toilet paper.

Be honest. You've seen your pet do this. Drag his or her butt across the carpet. Somebody want to explain this to me? I once had a pet rabbit for a while that did the same thing so don't tell me it's worms (by the way, one of the cat was always trying to eat the rabbit. See, not human.)

When was the last time you went to a dinner party and at some point during the evening you, during conversation, excused yourself, pulled down your pants, drug your butt back and forth across the carpet a few times, pulled your pants up and said, "Whew, that's much better!"?

Wonder why the Johnsons never invite us over anymore?

Reason 5: Eat or drink anything.

As humans we're very selective regarding what goes into our mouths. Pets could care less. The grosser the better seems like. If you have a pet that drinks from the commode, raise your hand. Every hand went up. You ever drink from the commode? It taste funny cause of that blue stuff we put in the tank. Also, if you're not careful the lid falling can give you a concussion. We all know what we've seen dogs eat in the yard. I ain't going there.

I once had a friend in elementary school who had several praying mantis in an aquarium as pets. When they mated, the female ate the rest of the guys. First, this did help us distinguish which were male and which were female and second, sex ain't all that much fun for some pets. Some pets will eat their young. I'm not gonna say this is a bad thing. I have 2 boys. I've often thought eating your young before they became a real pain might not be such a bad thing. I didn't do it though. Not so much because I thought it was wrong, because I knew I'd never get away with it and I know what happened to Jeffery Dahmer when he was sent to prison. See, I'm human.

Reason 6: Body parts.

Most, but not all, pets have tails. Nothing wrong with a little tail. I've seen some very nice ones I'll admit. However, if you can put your tail in your mouth, or if you can chase it around in a circle and catch it, you're not human. No thumbs (unless you have a pet monkey). As a result, pets make lousy artists, mechanics, typists, they're no fun to pay catch with, they can't even hitchhike. I'll guarantee you've never had your pet thumb his nose at you.

They have cold noses. So do Alaskans but they have a good reason. It's pretty dang cold where they are. Pets' noses are cold when they're healthy. What's with that? If a human's nose is cold they do something about it. Pets could care less. As a matter of fact, I believe they're proud of the fact. Look at where they're always poking the cold thing!

Reason 7: Gaseous Gas.

Everyone has gas at one time or another. Yes, even your girlfriend, mom, gramma, etc. Everyone. If you didn't, you'd explode. No human has gas that comes remotely near that of indoor pets. You can be minding your own business, sitting on the sofa watching the game with your trusty dog, Lexi, by your side. Suddenly there's a wave of aroma washing over you that smells something like a dead beaver smoking a cheap cigar that was previously soaked in yak urine. Anything, or anybody for that matter, that can emit a smell like that is not only not human, they're not even from this planet.

Reason 8: No sense of self-preservation.

Horses will run right back into a burning barn. Dogs will chase 3,000 lb. automobiles, cats will climb miles up a tree knowing they can't possibly climb down. What gives? They're not just dumb or careless, they're not human. I'll be the first to admit we as humans can be pretty stupid. We drink and drive, participate in extreme sports, marry red-heads, etc. but, we learn from our mistakes for the most part. You can climb the tree or call the fire department to get the cat down and he'll run right back up the tree.

Animals appear not to care whether they live or die. There are so many sail animals (a sail animal is one that's been run over numerous times, dried, and can be thrown like a frisbee) on country roads you'd think the possum, rabbit, raccoon populations would be growing pretty thin. Which reminds me, if you see a possum and a lawyer run-over on the highway, how can you tell them apart? There are skidmarks in front of the possum.

'Nough said.

Reason 9: Pets have no depth perception.

I don't exactly know why I included this as a reason. I'm not even sure I know what I mean. Give me a break, I'm only human. I will tell ya this. My childhood dalmation would bark at and chase clouds. Haven't got a clue what that signifies but he did it.

Reason 10: Pets can't tell time.

Our pets have no concept of time. Whether you leave the house to go to the grocery or to Holland, your pet doesn't know the difference. When you return they're just as happy to see ya back from one trip as they are the other. To them, you weren't just going to be gone for an hour or a week, you were gone for good. I've never owned a pet that wore a watch. I don't think a single one of our cats or dogs has ever even glanced at a clock. There is one thing they do know. When it's time to eat. How do they know? These non-humans will stand at the kitchen door at the exact same time every morning and evening waiting for the lunch wagon and yet the same animal will set with me in the den watching the weather channel and still not get out of the rain he had to know was coming.

I rest my case.

However, for all of you pet lovers who think that I am harsh and have no heart and don't appreciate pets as you do. . .you are probably a bit right. But I love Miss Pepper.  As do my boys. Though she chews my flip flops and leaves a thick slime on every single toy that is left on the floor, I'm still so happy that we rescued her.  In fact, a big part of my new-found mission will be to see to it that more and more little fluffies at my local shelter get new forever homes. I've started a Facebook Page HERE called "We HEART Pets" with my sister who has successfully found about 100 animals new homes just by fostering them and running ads to find good homes. She has a super big heart for Furr-babies and so, it seems, do my little boys. We loved our first trip to the local pound and will be visiting a lot more frequently.  Share the link and page with your friends as we will be posting photos and info of many of these little cuties there who need new forever families. 

We love pets. We must admit. But don't think you will be spotting Miss Pepper in a Louie Voutan bag or Chanel sweater anytime soon. 

Pack Your Bags! We're Taking a Guilt-Trip

In honor of my upcoming Road Trip with the familia, here is a flashback of a post from the past. I'm in the middle of packing and cleaning and planning and laundering and really didn't have time to write anything brand-spankin new today. I know you don't mind. Besides, I know you (like me) need the reminder that we have a license to imperfection as parents.  It's okay to rest.  It's okay to take a moment. Dust off the annoyances of the day, and get back in there knowing we are doing the best we can.  So here ya go.  A little Monday motivation for ya!

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Kids sure have a way of (figuratively) punching you right in the gut when you least expect it, don’t they?  Their unassuming words can wash a blanket of guilt right over you in nothing flat.  And before you know it, you’re feeling like the suckiest parent in the world and saving your pennies for the future therapy that your kid will inevitably need thanks to you.

Yes, sometimes, even when you dedicate over 98% of your day to your children, it’s still apparently not enough.  My son pointed this very fact out to me one night last week while tucking him into bed.  He was beyond tired and cranky and ready for sleep, and he blurted out an accusation so stinging that he might as well have stabbed me right in the heart.  Through a haze of tears and snot, he said, “You like your iphone more than you like me.“  Ugh.  That REALLY hurt.

Given that writing is my passion and that my ultimate goal is, in fact, to write a book some day, I am on my computer and phone a decent amount of the time.  And yeah, I like to hop on my Facebook here and there to keep me in check with the adult world since Phineas and Ferb are swirling around the background of my home 24/7.  And even though I know deep down in my heart that I bend over backwards and forwards to make my kids happy whenever I possibly can, my son’s weepy insinuation totally made me question every single one of my parenting skills.  I couldn’t help but think, “Have I been a bad mom?”

I swallowed the ginormous lump that was trying to take over my throat and told Mr. Grouch that I would choose him over my iphone any old day.  Naturally, he drifted off to Dreamland without so much as even a second thought, but I, however, stewed over this guilt all night long.  Why, as parents, do we do this to ourselves??!!  NOBODY is perfect (not even you, June Cleaver!), yet we kick our own butts over not being the perfect mom or the perfect dad.

 I have learned lately that I am the Queen of Guilt-tripping.  I take a new trip everyday, it seems.  I made them eat cereal before daycare instead of eggs and toast. . .Ooops, we left the house before reminding them (a third time) to brush their teeth. . .It's pizza for dinner instead of some homemade casserole concoction. . .I really shouldn't have a Mommy's Day Out today, my stinker has really been clingy lately. . .It's almost never-ending the amount of added stress that we as parents pour on ourselves everyday.  As I lose sleep, yet again over the words of my four-year-old tonight, one important fact spontaneously comes to mind.

On the seventh day, God rested.

Heaven knows His daily To-Do List rivals mine. Creating the sun and moon and stars and whatnot.  (I would like to point out that He did not have laundry to keep up with. . .but I know that issue is a separate post entirely!)  God walked with us everyday, but there were still other things to accomplish. Nothing necessarily more important than us, but the business of provision was still on His mind. And then, on the seventh day HE RESTED.  I need to remember this in those moments that I beat myself up for having a little "me-time" when the toddler duo is banging on the bathroom door full-force. I especially need to remind myself of this when my precious Grouch decides to make mommy (unpurposefully) feel like a complete failure right before bedtime. Who am I to think that I can take on more than God?  I need to embrace His example without guilt.
I never WILL be the perfect mom. But I strive to give them all I have everyday.  I could continue to dwell on ways to sacrifice even more of my sanity and moments of “recovery time” so that I don't have to get guilt-ridden accusations like I did tonight, but at some point, my efforts would be worthless. Because kids will always demand more. And more and more. They are attention-mongers who cannot be satisfied. Especially my precious monsters. So, although I will try harder not to prioritize anything above them, I will resolve to the fact that I'm enough. My kids have the most awesome mom ever. They just don't know it yet.

7 Sports That Should NOT Be Olympic Worthy

We’ve all accidentally turned the channel over to the Olympics at one time or another and thought, “What are they doing? Is this even a sport?” Some of the stuff that they have deemed worthy of Olympic medals are absolutely ridiculous. Here are the most laughable of those choices.

7. TAEKWONDO

I don’t understand how this is a sport. I guess some consider it an art, but to me it is just jumping around and doing Ninja Turtle stuff. If doing that’s worthy of a medal, then the Olympic committee owes the 8-year old version of myself several.

6. GOLF

Golf is not a sport; it’s a hobby. If out of shape old men can still compete and win then this needs to be taken off of the table. I realize it takes a lot of skill to play this game, but the same can be said for Scrabble, but you don’t see anyone handing out medals for that, do you?

5. FENCING

Sword fighting in a beekeeper’s uniforms, do I even need to explain? Next!

4. EQUESTRIAN

Ok, so the horse is in amazing shape and can do all kinds of impressive things. Fine. If that’s the case how about opening it up to dogs that can fetch really well or maybe sneezing pandas. They already have an Equestrian World Cup or something for horses, I think. Let’s keep it that way.

3. ARCHERY

Again, if you don’t have to be in shape to do it then it’s really not a sport. This is another one that falls into the skill category. Let them have their own award show.

2. TABLE TENNIS

This is a joke. Table tennis? What’s next foosball? Maybe beer pong? Yes, that scene in Forrest Gump was pretty funny, but the funniest part is that they hand out real medals. Guys who break world records for running, swimming, and weight lifting who have trained their body’s for years are handed out the same medals are guys who are good at ping pong. Lame.

1. CURLING

Have you ever seen this? It makes absolutely no sense at all. Look it up on YouTube. From what I can gather you basically stand in the middle of a hockey rink, scoot these things while you lay out across the ice, and then you sweep the floor. My question is who saw this and connected the dots to, “This should be an Olympic Sport.” Seriously, what were they thinking? Fail.

I hope there aren’t any equestrian curler fencing experts who have a passion for ping pong that read this blog, other wise I probably offended some people. In which case they should know I make a spectacle of myself everyday and know nothing about real sports. Except maybe competitive eating. Future gold medalist right here. So I'd love your thoughts. . . . Do you disagree with any of my choices?

"Mom, What's A Stereotype?"

“Mom,” Mr. Grouchy Pants asks, nonchalantly, with a face full of tacos even though I’ve asked him a bazillion times not to talk with his mouth full, mostly to avoid exactly what is coming next.

“Mom, what is stereotypes?” I….um…you…lightbulbs…math…err. Where does he come up with this stuff? And who in their right mind used that word around my four-year-old?!

I try to have family dinner every night so that everyone can talk about their days with each other and we can attempt to live together, not just merely co-exist. The awesome side-effect of this is that the children feel comfortable asking just about anything, so long as it is asked over supper (amidst their fighting over who got more yogurt and who's finishing their green beans before whoever else is sitting at the table). The awkward side-effect of this is that sometimes daddy is busy or has a gig (hence the part-time musician thing) leaving me to deal with the deep questions by myself whilst trying to eat dinner peaceably.  

Now I get to watch my taco get cold while I try to figure out how to explain genderism, racism, and discrimination before dessert.  Dang BC and his need to be an "artist" at the most inopportune times!

My knee-jerk reaction to this whole scenario is of course, ignorance. Maybe if I told him that I didn't know, then that would suffice until Daddy got home. Or I could try to change the subject and we could talk about something trivial, like how the sun, the moon, and the stars work.  But then I've not only lied, I seem like a loser of a mom; to not know the simplest of things of course, means that I have failed at life and should just start collecting my cats now.

Conversely, the answer I think I have to give him opens his mind up to a world I'm not sure I ever want him to see, so I stir my guacamole around on my plate and overthink the crap out of this.  

How do I explain what a stereotype is without instilling those very stereotypes into his head? How do let him keep the notion he has that pretty much everyone is the same while I teach him that a lot of people unjustifiably assume that a lot of other people suck and/or excel at a lot of fairly ordinary things? How far back in history do I have to go to explain where these ideas we all seem to have about each other came from and once I get there, do I have enough real-world examples to serve as the anti-venom to the poisons I’m about to introduce to his psyche and why the heck didn’t anyone tell me this parenting thing would be so complicated?  

And now I wish I’d just made a light salad for dinner.  

So I start taking inventory of everyone I’ve ever known in my whole life and start lining up my counter-attack. ‘Okay, so, you’re blonde, you know, and you’ve never had so much as one puppy,’ I say to myself. Your grandpa is half-German and he's a smoker, your favorite cousin is part-Asian and she couldn’t she's currently being raised by her white grandparents. . . and I start to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m ready to answer this question.  

I’ve completely lost my appetite, worrying how the answer to this is going to affect his sensitive little heart, but I’m ready.  

At the last minute, he looks at me and says, “You know, you can always ask your phone. Sometimes it can tell you answers you don't know, Mom. It's called 'Giggle'.”

Oh, how precious is HE that he feels he has stumped me with these deep ponderings of his. . .But just in case, I “google” stereotypes. Yes. . .although this may lead to an hour-long session about the unfairness of man, I am just going to go with this. . .“Stereotypes are popular assumptions we make about groups of people, based on a lot of nothing,” to which my kid says, “Oh, okay” and finishes his taco.  

OKAY?? And you're satisfied with that?! But truthfully I am releasing a sigh of relief. If only all the answers were this easy.