Things I've Learned This Week

So, Christmas brings new experiences, old traditions, fond memories, and ongoing lessons learned. These little nuggets are just a few of the things that this last week has taught me about my life and my family. I hope you will get a good chuckle out of my mindless rantings. . .

Disney movies lie: You can't magically poof a room clean, nor does whistling while you work make it any more fun.

I could make a pretty amazing stew using the food that the toddlers have left on the floor throughout the house....

I kinda wanna punish the 5-year-old for singing, "All I Want For Christmas is Poo", but frankly, by 5-year-old's standard, it's kinda clever.

I need to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, I mean drinking a spiked Capri Sun and spraying everything with Febreeze.

When I say, "Don't do that", what my children hear is "Mom says its okay as long as she's not looking". There is no other explanation.

I just saw my own shadow and screamed, in case any of you were wondering how useful I would be in a zombie apocalypse.

Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it’s also my cellphone.

Kids toys should come with better warning labels, like, “LOUD AS HELL” and “NO OFF SWITCH” and “REQUIRES 217 BATTERIES.” That would be helpful.

On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Sometimes I believe my best parenting skill is yelling idle threats.

I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work.

The Food Network should air a disclaimer before all its programs. “Warning: the following show features stunts performed by chefs who didn’t have to worry about washing dishes afterwards.

It's officially Merry "why-in-the-world-did-we-think-they-needed-all-this-crap" Day. 

I'm one plum pudding away from a Yuletide meltdown....

After hearing some of the names of kids these days, I'm convinced the parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score. Hello Philipyeous, so nice to meet you.

Why is it always hours after my monsters are asleep that I realize how lucky I am to be their mom?? They ask WAY too many questions, cling to me (even as I try to pee in private, to no avail) and insist that I entertain them every moment of every day, but when their sleeping.....oh, how precious! To see them breathe deep and smile in their sleep and know they are loved so much. Thank you God for giving us these moments to remind us that though we come up short daily as a parent, you "watch over them with singing". We accept them as the messy, crazy little blessings that they are.

Things I've Learned This Week

I like big books and I cannot lie. There is just something about this season that makes me want to start a fire and curl up with a looooooong book. 

My dog officially weighs more than both my boys put together. It's time for her to lay off the hotdogs (her fave).

I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.

Let’s give thanks we live in a country where political disagreements are expressed with poorly spelled Facebook posts instead of missiles.

It's that time of year again when my "fat pants" just become "pants".

You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. You guys drive me crazy.

“You will never have this day with your children again, tomorrow they’ll be a little older than they were today. This day is a gift, breathe and notice, smell and touch them; study their faces and little feet and pay attention. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today, mama. It will be over before you know it." -Jen Hatmaker

I think falling in/being in/falling out of love has been pretty well documented. Why aren’t there more songs about being hungry?

We've reached the phase of childhood when the older brother is trying to control the younger. Every moment of every day. I cannot wait until the younger outgrows the older and takes his revenge. I'm probably going to enjoy it more than I should.

I hate when people see me at Walmart & are like "Hey what are you doing here?" I'm like, "Oh you know, recruiting people for the next circus act".

If we all end up in prison one day for illegal music downloads, I can only hope that they divide us by music genres.

It's a nightly wrestle of whether I should stay up and write or catch up on the sleep I've been lacking since motherhood began. Writing always wins. I'll sleep when they're 20, right?

It’s not easy to go from sloppin’ mac n’ cheese and nuggets in sweats to chit chattin’ in trendy cocktail attire all in one evening.

I honestly think my son's last words on earth will be, "I wonder what this button does?"

The golden rule in my house is... If it's funny, you're not in trouble. I think the boys are starting to catch on.

If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your Facebook pics."

Things I've Learned This Week

If Obama wins, I'm leaving the country. If Romney wins, I'm still leaving the country. This is not a political post.  I just want to travel.  Nicaragua HERE I COME!

Packing for a trip abroad is a lot harder than I thought. Although it could just be because my kids keep sneaking action figures and toilet paper rolls in my bag. "You'll need this, mommy". For all I know, he may be right. . .

Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, which means it’ll pretty much be dark as soon as you finish your lunch.

The bags under my eyes would be so much cuter if they had designer labels.

When I was little I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.

You know you're getting old when your year of birth is no longer immediately visible in drop-down menus and you have to start scrolling down.

Halloween is by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

I’m not cleaning this week. I’m going to tell everyone the cobwebs and dust are part of the Halloween decorations.

I hate it when I pick my child up from school and realize he's wearing navy blue pants and a black shirt. I thought they were both black this morning. SMH. I need to learn to function more properly in the mornings or my son will be labeled the "little hobo boy".

When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn’t wave back… So she will probably have a new album coming out tomorrow.

Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb crap.

Apple pie is a perfectly acceptable midnight snack, right? I mean, I haven't had my quota of fruits today, so it seems fitting that I try to work it in before I head to bed. . .

“Cleaning your house with children in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos”.
So true…. which is why my philosophy is to not even try. And to eat Oreos.

Guess what's for dinner when mom doesn't want to go to the store for groceries? ....frozen pizza, Cheeto puffs, and bananas. I think we hit all the food groups, right?

I have decoded toddler language ... "shh" means louder! Who knew?!

**Despite what I may think, God never gives me more than I can handle. 

Things I've Learned This Week

We be stylin'

Recalling 30 reasons why you are Thankful is only hard in narrowing it down, and not in finding reasons. It's all about perspective. See My entire list HERE; "For This I Am Thankful". :)

If being in my pajamas all day is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

Apparently I contracted the "screaming-intestines-writhing-to-escape-my-body-through-every-possible-orfice" bug. So glad that nightmare is over.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.

I hate when girls see each other outside of work or school and scream and make these noises that only dolphins could understand. Please tell me I've never done that....

I need an app that just screams “Put the phone down and go do something, idiot!” whenever I pick my phone up.

Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down.

How to dress like Lady Gaga for Halloween: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn't belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

If you had a terrible childhood..... you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

"We are all living in cages with the doors wide open." -George Lucas

Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn't those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?

Writing for others is a lot more fulfilling to me than writing just for myself. Don't forget to check out my new weekly articles on EPIC PARENT!!

**Despite what I may think, God never gives me more than I can handle. 

Things I Learned This Week

My booty is gonna beep when I back up if I don’t amp up my workout routine again soon.

Mr. Grouch's future wife is going to be one lucky lady. Never will he hear, "I just wished you talked to me more." In the meantime, where can I buy a muzzle in size 5T?

Sometimes, the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so immense I need a nap afterwards.

Someday we'll all find out Pinterest was a huge conspiracy created by a group of men who are tricking women everywhere into cooking and cleaning and working out.

Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08′ album at 4am.

"I think everybody should get rich & famous & do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." ~ Actor Jim Carrey

Has anyone ever watched a movie or a comedian or speaker that has that one line that they always say a hundred times in any given segment? I feel like one of them today, but instead of something funny like, "That's what she said!", my repetitive phrase is, "Wanna go pee pee?" . . . ."Wanna go pee pee?". . . ."Do you need to go pee pee?". . . ."Don't you DARE go pee pee in your pants. . ."

I'm wondering when The HACKERS of the WORLD are going to do something really useful like changing the prices at the gas pumps to $1 a gallon ??

We're getting mighty close to that time of year when women think its acceptable to go outside in their underwear and children are encouraged to take candy from strangers....

Afternoon naps are habit-forming. I'm trying to quit.

So much housework, so little time. Okay there is plenty of time, I just don't want to do it.

When you're making positive strides forward, there will ALWAYS be someone doubting you. Just make sure it's not you.

Everybody in sweatpants and jackets needs to chill out right now. It's still 80 degrees outside. No need to get crazy.

Realizing the importance of being positive today. In other words, instead of saying "There's nothing in my house to eat", I shall say, "What an awesome opportunity for me to be creative with peanut butter, pickles, and paprika".

*Despite what I sometimes think, God never gives me more than I can handle. :)

Things I Learned This Week

If I had nothing left to complain about, I'd complain about that. Ever have one of those days?

I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.

Things you learn when you go on a date-night with your mother: all about menopause, spanx, and how near-60-year-olds still like to "make-out". These are the things you don't learn in school, folks. I'm taking notes....

Highlight of my kids Halloween season.....watching the movie/show with whom their costume corresponds while they sit and yell, "Look, it's ME" every time they see their character. Do you know how many episodes of Power Rangers Samurai there are? I could be hearing this phrase for weeks!

I'm realizing the importance of vaccinations. It's very important that EVERYONE I know gets a flu shot this year so that I don't have to.

Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So sometimes I cook something.

The Internet is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats.

Words cannot describe the joy I've received from shaving the Hundred Acre Woods from my overgrown legs. Your welcome for the information.

Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

You’d think the crescent roll’s packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.

My kids are SO demanding in the mornings. Just for the record, don't ask me for pancakes before I've had my morning pee. It sets the whole mood off, kid.

When people say, "I'm not getting any younger!", I wonder what other basic life principles they just now got around to learning.

I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators, cars, and public restrooms.

I do my best proofreading after I hit send/post.

Pretty sure God gave me laryngitis. Things have been so much calmer in my household without my ability to "correct and rebuke" so loudly. Well played, Lord. Well played. But really....can I have my voice back yet?

Despite what I may believe sometimes, God doesn't give me more than I can't handle. :)

Happy Weekend Friends!

Things I've Learned This Week

All moms should wear capes. You know it's true. 

Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. . . But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.

There's a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that".

I'm much rather buy all new Tupperware than even bother to open this one to clean out whatever this used to be. 

An 103-year-old woman in Wales is officially the oldest Facebook user. It just goes to show you that you are never too old too waste your precious time.

Every time I look in the mirror, I see this old woman staring back at me. I think my house is haunted.

Fall is Awesome. Except for the rain. More precisely the kids boredom with the rain. The cabin fever. This called for desperate pre-planning measures. Solutions can be found in a little post I like to call: 

 It's Raining, It's Pouring, My Kids Find Me Boring

If falling asleep on the couch was a job, I’d be up for a constant promotion.

I’d appreciate it if the city just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.

It's hard to have street cred when you know every word to all the children's show theme songs on The Disney Channel.

My 3-year-old really needs an "airplane mode".

Having sleepovers when you're an adult is just as fun as when you were a kid. Except after a couple of glasses of wine, you tend to not stay up as long as in years past. 

There is no surface in my home high enough that my ninja children cannot reach.

Despite what I may think at times, God never gives me more than I can handle.