Kid's Programming: Too Eerie to be Educational?

Please welcome my new fellow blogging friend, Daddy's Law!  He's a new dad and new blogger over at http://www.daddylaw.com/ and has captured my heart by "telling it like it is".  He very well may be more sarcastic and realistic about parenting faux pas than me.  Pleeeeeese check out his non-stop hilarity!  For a small taste of his comedic talents, here is a guest post that he wrote just for us! We've teamed up today to review the ridiculous reality of children's programming. Without further ado. . .I introduce Daddy's Law!

Yo Gabba Be Kidding Me

Yo Gabba Gabba premiered on Nick Jr. on August 20, 2007. Children have never been the same. The show features an anorexic looking freak in orange spandex named DJ Lance Rock, which already sounds too much like crack rock to me, which is exactly what this show is - a perfect example of kid crack likely due to even creepier subliminal messages being pumped into their mind's eye.

Muno is by far the most troubling character I have ever seen on children's television. I don't care if you accuse me of having my mind in the gutter, but there is no denying that Muno is, in fact - A ONE EYED MONSTER. Theres is no way to sugar coat this, parents. Muno is either a walking penis or a big red dildo. Don't believe me? Well, see for yourself if you can handle the truth by clicking here. DJ Lance Rock wants OUR kids to play with his "one eyed monster" named Muno - screw that. The characters are creep in general, but the most alarming aspect of the show is how close it is to a very popular reality show.

I swear, this show is Jersey Shore for kids. I have no doubt the creators of Jersey Shore got the idea for the show from Yo Gabba Gabba. The parallels are undeniable. Muno is Mike "The Situation" since he is creepy and is somewhat clumsy (See Ronnie incident) and he has a close bond with Foofa, who is Snooky. She is described as "pink and happy" and was once "bitten" by Muno. True, "the situation" did a lot more than bite snooky, but you get the point. You can't make this stuff up. Brobee no only looks like Ronnie, but it turns out they both have the mind of a four-year-old. From Todee they got the idea for Sammie and Vinny is Plex since he is the most level-headed and is described as the one who "teaches lessons to his friends and is a father figure to the gang." Finally, DJ Paulie D was modeled after DJ Lance Rock. Yes, I know he is not black - but he is very tan and he does play a similar role as he stays out of everyone's business and is everyone's friend.

I just don't understand the need for these shows. They are not cute and they are not making our children smarter. They are commercial nonsense designed to get us to buy their merchandise and prepare our kids for nothing more than a world that simply does not exist, except maybe on a beach in Jersey.

You knew I'd have my own two cents to share about the craziness of kid's programming....Right? Of course you did!  Here is MY take on one of my own toddler's latest addictions. . . .

Life Lessons From Dora the Explorer

The great thing about living with toddlers is being able to watch Dora the Explorer without a lot of people judging you. The thing is, watching kids shows with a higher level of comprehension is…hilarious and terrifying. I never realized how ridiculous they are. Dora, like Steve of Blues Clues, constantly asks her viewers questions, leading the four-year-old sitting on the couch next to me to shout wildly at the TV. It made me kind of nostalgic for the days I would watch The Price Is Right with my grandma. Eh, training them early to be old coots, I guess.

But the episode I watched today made me realize that these shows–Dora in particular–are teaching our children some skewed lessons about life. In the episode, Dora and her monkey (Boots, I think) visit a firehouse. The fire engine, Roja (red in Spanish, because kids might as well learn the language of the majority of the US population), lets her drive him as he goes to rescue a kitten stuck in a tree. Boy, I wish I lived in the town that lets a six-year old and her monkey drive a fire truck.

But anywho. About half way throughout the journey, something goes awry.

“Why are you slowing down, Roja?” says Dora.

“I’m running out of gas!” the personified fire truck says.

“Oh no! Can you see where we can get more gas for Roja?”

Oh look, there’s a gas station immediately behind you! How friggin’ convenient. Children: if you’re ever as inattentive to your gas gauge as Roja (or me), you will not run out within any reasonable distance of a gas station. You will be on an unlit road, alone, at at least five miles from a gas station. And it will be raining. And as you’re trudging through the mud, all you’ll be thinking is: “Dora didn’t say it was gonna be like this…”

They slowly make it to the gas station, where the talking gas pump fills Roja up with ten (“Diez!”) gallons of gas. And they drive away. Without paying.

Now, Dora, Boots, and Roja are on the lam for stealing about $25 worth of gas. Ah, they start at such a young age. But they still have to find this darn cat and rescue it.

But they run into another problem. They’ve found the cat. It’s just up the road…and Roja gets a flat tire. Lucky for them, and the viewers, Dora had enough foresight to pack an air pump in her talking backpack, Backpack. Because that’s how we fix a flat tire, kids, with a bicycle pump. Good lesson.

Dora asks the kids to help her pump up the tire:

“Put your hands in front of you, and pump! Keep going! Pump up and down and up and down! That’s it!”

I’ll let you insert your own witty observation here. ________.

Hahahaha, that was a good one.

The tire is fixed, and, after fending off a random appearance by a burglarizing raccoon named Swiper with a mantra “Swiper, no swiping,” they’re on their way.

I assume they rescued the cat. I didn’t actually watch it until the end. I had a feeling the kids were getting impatient with my frequent snide remarks.

Someday, I think I’ll write a kids show. One that’s real. In my kids show, character will get scammed, contract a rare disease, and lose their life savings to Bernie Madoff. And they would die at the end of every episode. Because life’s harsh. And kids should learn that early, so they won’t be as surprised when it takes a big dump on them.