Monday, July 16, 2012

I'd Rather Pee My Pants

You know when you’re watching your favorite TV show and they go to commercial and it’s about some drug for whatever (depression, erectile dysfunction, overactive bladder) and the list of “possible side effects” takes longer to recite than the actual commercial? And not only that, the “possible side effects” sound WAY scarier than having a condition where you pee your pants uncontrollably. I don’t know about you but I’d much rather wear an adult diaper than potentially grow pubic hair on my face because I’m taking some pill to keep me from wetting myself. But that’s just me.

So BECAUSE I’m me, I’ve come up with my own list of “possible side effects” for overactive bladder.

1. May cause you to poop corn, even if you don’t eat corn, like corn, or have corn in your house.

2. May cause you to answer “I like to do the Cha-Cha” when anyone asks you a question.

3. May cause you to bite your shoulder upon hearing a car horn.

4. May inhibit your ability to turn right causing you to only be able to turn left.

5. May cause you to fart at really inappropriate times and then shout, “YEAH BABY, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.”

6. May cause you to run through the house screaming, “Someone has taken my hand! My hand is missing!” Only to find it exactly where you left it–attached to your arm.

7. May cause you to forget about personal space so you mouth kiss everyone you come in contact with thus alienating your friends and family. And people at the grocery store. And the principal at your kids’ school.

8. May cause you to wet your pants anyway.

Wait. I just reread this and it sounds more like things I do when I’ve added Malibu to my cool-aide than the side effects to some overactive bladder medication. Don’t judge me.

Does anyone else think “overactive bladder” is funny? It’s like your bladder is a hyper 7 year old boy who’s forgotten to take his ADD medication and his mom is on the phone with the nurse saying, “But Billy is just so active.”

Yes, I named my bladder Billy. You’re really surprised? I mean after all I am the same girl who gave everyone in my family a "-Pants" name.

Just add, “May cause you to name your organs” to the list of side effects. Whatev.

Also, add the word *organ* to the list of words I hate.