It is rare that I actually get time to myself to sit and really think about my life. I have a husband who needs my affection and listening ear, two toddlers who constantly crave my undivided attention, friends that I am constantly neglecting, laundry that goes unfinished, piles of dirty dishes, a disastrous MESS of a car, legs that consistently need shaving, and mountains of unanswered emails from family and dearly missed friends. With all of this chaos constantly cluttering up my life, it's no wonder that my reality has clouded my view and remembrance of the dreams I once envisioned for my life.
Tonight, as I was putting the little men to sleep, I got to remember. As I lay there in their bed with the sweet sounds of sucking pacifiers and Grouch humming himself a lullaby, I took myself back. . .all the way back to a time where Friday night football games and tomorrow's book report were the only things that got in the way of my daydreaming big things for my future. I was so determined and so excited about all the things I just KNEW God had planned for my life. Things like turning those children's books I wrote my junior and senior year into real published pieces. Oh, how I wanted to be a REAL Author! And then I would go on to write other things, such as devotionals for teenagers, then maybe even travel around the world, speaking to teens and women everywhere about how they can truly be intimate with the Lord and hear what calling he has for them and their future. My dream was to be an instrument that God used to point people to their God-given futures. To encourage them to be all that God wanted them to be and to NEVER lose sight of their dreams. Funny how I so easily lost sight of my own.
There are many reasons why life has gotten in the way of God's plan for me; not that I don't think he has me in this particular place for a reason. I believe each season has a purpose, even those seasons of confusion and chaos and clouded dreams. But I think the main reason I can't see past the fog of reality is simply this: I've lost the passion in my life.
I think in any life, in any marriage even, there are moments when the butterflies; the passion, are missing. They are never gone, they are just temporarily misplaced. I am in the process in this season of my life, to find those butterflies again. They were beautiful when they were there. They spurred excitement, dreams, a clear, anointed vision for what I wanted to accomplish in my life. So, as of late, I am on the hunt for those butterflies. The best way I know how to find them, is to remember where I had them last. In the next few months, I plan to do the things I once did, to attain that which I once had. The passion, the butterflies, the dreams.
With that all said. . . .
I want to be an AUTHOR. I want to be a COUNSELOR. I want to be a SPEAKER. I want to TRAVEL to places where people don't know the GOD I know. I want to TEACH. I want to PREACH. I want to ENCOURAGE. I want to be an INSTRUMENT God uses in the life of other women. I want to MINISTER. I want to REMEMBER how to be INTIMATE with my FIRST LOVE. I want to GROW. I want to HEAL. I want to be ANOINTED again.
I know God will accomplish all this through me and much, much more. This 7-11 Project has been a great fuel for my spiritual flame. Through each task, I'm learning a bit more about myself (besides how selfish and lazy I had been!). I'm learning most about personal commitment and accomplishing things even when the "want to" is not there. Because inevitably, when less of ME is in control, it is in those times that I am even more convinced that HE is; pushing me forward and whispering in my ear all the while, "I got this. Keep going. . ."
"For the Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."
This is my vision, my passion. . . .my butterflies.