In Pursuit of Butterflies

It is rare that I actually get time to myself to sit and really think about my life. I have a husband who needs my affection and listening ear, two toddlers who constantly crave my undivided attention, friends that I am constantly neglecting, laundry that goes unfinished, piles of dirty dishes, a disastrous MESS of a car, legs that consistently need shaving, and mountains of unanswered emails from family and dearly missed friends. With all of this chaos constantly cluttering up my life, it's no wonder that my reality has clouded my view and remembrance of the dreams I once envisioned for my life.

Tonight, as I was putting the little men to sleep, I got to remember. As I lay there in their bed with the sweet sounds of sucking pacifiers and Grouch humming himself a lullaby, I took myself back. . .all the way back to a time where Friday night football games and tomorrow's book report were the only things that got in the way of my daydreaming big things for my future. I was so determined and so excited about all the things I just KNEW God had planned for my life. Things like turning those children's books I wrote my junior and senior year into real published pieces. Oh, how I wanted to be a REAL Author! And then I would go on to write other things, such as devotionals for teenagers, then maybe even travel around the world, speaking to teens and women everywhere about how they can truly be intimate with the Lord and hear what calling he has for them and their future. My dream was to be an instrument that God used to point people to their God-given futures. To encourage them to be all that God wanted them to be and to NEVER lose sight of their dreams. Funny how I so easily lost sight of my own.

There are many reasons why life has gotten in the way of God's plan for me; not that I don't think he has me in this particular place for a reason. I believe each season has a purpose, even those seasons of confusion and chaos and clouded dreams. But I think the main reason I can't see past the fog of reality is simply this: I've lost the passion in my life.

I think in any life, in any marriage even, there are moments when the butterflies; the passion, are missing. They are never gone, they are just temporarily misplaced. I am in the process in this season of my life, to find those butterflies again. They were beautiful when they were there. They spurred excitement, dreams, a clear, anointed vision for what I wanted to accomplish in my life. So, as of late, I am on the hunt for those butterflies. The best way I know how to find them, is to remember where I had them last. In the next few months, I plan to do the things I once did, to attain that which I once had. The passion, the butterflies, the dreams.

With that all said. . . .

I want to be an AUTHOR. I want to be a COUNSELOR. I want to be a SPEAKER. I want to TRAVEL to places where people don't know the GOD I know. I want to TEACH. I want to PREACH. I want to ENCOURAGE. I want to be an INSTRUMENT God uses in the life of other women. I want to MINISTER. I want to REMEMBER how to be INTIMATE with my FIRST LOVE. I want to GROW. I want to HEAL. I want to be ANOINTED again.

I know God will accomplish all this through me and much, much more. This 7-11 Project has been a great fuel for my spiritual flame. Through each task, I'm learning a bit more about myself (besides how selfish and lazy I had been!). I'm learning most about personal commitment and accomplishing things even when the "want to" is not there. Because inevitably, when less of ME is in control, it is in those times that I am even more convinced that HE is; pushing me forward and whispering in my ear all the while, "I got this. Keep going. . ."

"For the Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."

This is my vision, my passion. . . .my butterflies.

7-11 Project: Reality vs. Good Intentions

Is it not the truth that we can have the BEST attitude, the BEST intentions, and the greatest expectations for our life, yet REALITY has a way of squashing them all to bits?! This is the story of my week! I have really been motivated this week. I've had plenty of energy and gumption to knock a big chunk out of my To-Dos, but one thing after another has thwarted my initiative. It's been quite an emotional week on the home front. . . .a few blazing hurdles in my path. . .Mr. Grouchy pants has hit an all-time grouchy PEAK. I wasn't aware of the "terrible fours". I figured at this point, things should be somewhat smooth sailing. But we've been really struggling in the disobedience department. Notes sent home from daycare, belligerent behavior, angry attitudes. It's a daily battle not to send him to boarding school. . . .seriously. As well, Little Stinky pants has given up eating. That's right. Food. I'm not sure what the underlying issue is here (as I refuse to acknowledge that it must be my fantastic cooking skills), but he has eaten like a bird for the entire last week. No real meals, he just grazes, so to speak. This may be the onset of an upcoming growth spurt, but it's enough of a problem that I'm almost tempted to call the pediatrician and let her know that I have a two-year-old anorexic on my hands. As if that is not enough stress for my plate, I also have mid-terms today for my biblical counseling class. With all of the chaos consuming my house, I've had minimal time to study. It's a wonderful thing that procrastination (especially when it comes to tests) is nothing new to me, as it seems that is what I will be doing for the next few hours. Cram, cram, cramming the information in and hoping to retain some of it for the long-haul. Hopefully, things will calm down in my little world and I will be able to take the bull by the horns (shameless OU/TX reference, yes!) this week and accomplish twice as much as I set out to do. But in the meantime, here is the skinny on the 7-11 Project progress:

1. Do 11 new activities/crafts with the kiddos.

Pine Cone Birdfeeders. The following are the only supplies needed. It was a fun and quick fall craft idea to do with my oldest, while the other was napping. Just take a walk around the neighborhood to gather the pine cones. The yarn and peanut butter I already had in the cabinets. The birdseed I picked up at the local supermarket.

We sat at the kitchen table and spread everything out. Then we painted the PB all over the pine cones to act as glue for the birdseed. After the PB was smothered on, we poured the birdseed into a small paper plate and rolled the pine cone around in it so that birdseed attached itself all the way around it. Lastly, we attached a piece of yarn to the very top for hanging, and Viola!: a birdfeeder!

We hung ours on the front porch outside our window so that that we would be able to see the birds come feast on it. It was a quick little craft that Grouch and I enjoyed together. It's the little things, you know. :)

2. Memorize 11 new scripture verses from the Bible.

As I am enrolled in biblical counseling class, studying the Bible more has become something not only that I want to do, but also something that gets homework credit! Double-whammy! With mid-terms close at hand, I was able to memorize a few extra verses that I will be needing to know for my test. Proverbs 11:14 says "For lack of guidance, people fall. But in a multitude of counselors, there is safety." I'm finding more and more how my independent, do-it-myself attitude gets me into consistent hard spots. This verse reminded me of the importance of acquiring godly advice from those that are more experienced than me. I plan on doing this more often. Especially in the area of parenthood. I could use all the help I can get lately! They say it takes a village to raise a child. . .I need to meet with the elders of this said village and have a major pow-wow soon!

Another verse that really resonated with me was Zechariah 4:6 that says, "Not by might, nor by power, but by MY Spirit', declares the Lord Almighty." Not only is it very apparent that I need professional help some days, but more specifically, I need God's Spirit to "hold me together", so to speak. I need to learn to acknowledge on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis that there is nothing I can do in my own strength to bring about lasting spiritual and emotional change in my life. No amount of working out, no amount of academic studying, no amount of mustered-up patience will be enough to change my circumstances, struggles, or will. It's only by my reliance in God to work through me, that I can come out on top. It's an ongoing battle of control on my part, but I'm really asking God to deliver me from myself. I am truly my biggest obstacle on the road to success.

3. Do/visit/try 11 new experiences or places.

This last week, I got to get away for an evening and go out on the town with my little brother and his girlfriend. Let me first say that I am more protective of my "bubba", than I am of any other males (aside from my children). I have always felt a need to take care of him and look out for him and protect him from the "mean-ness" of the world. To date, I have never "gone out" with him to a bar, club, etc. to just relax and have a good time. This alone, was a first for me. But even more exciting, was the fact that he took me to experience my very first Blues club. I'm not what I would consider a blues music fan, but I thought I would give it a whirl. I was very pleasantly surprised. The Biting Sow, on the Riverwalk in Oklahoma City is a very chill, friendly, hole-in-the-wall that is perfect for hanging out with friends, shooting a bit of pool, and enjoying some authentic blues music. They have a live band there 7 days a week. It was so nice to meet some new people, really enjoy my brother and my future-sister-in-law (fingers crossed!), and get away from the hub-bub of my home life with crazy toddlers. I won't say that I didn't feel the urge to hug all over my brother and baby him a bit. And it wouldn't have been my nature if I hadn't recollected (with his friends) the time that I beat up the neighborhood bully down the street for not letting my bubba play basketball and making him cry. Overall, it was a good night with lots of laughs. We will definitely be doing it again soon!

Along the lines of new experiences, I can't claim it "accomplished" yet, but I officially registered for my very first 5K yesterday. I will be participating in the City on a Hill Run on November 5th. This has been something that I have always wanted to do. Hopefully I can work up to a marathon someday, but this will be a step (many, actually) in the right direction. Here is the link for info or registration if anyone is interested: www.thetapestryproject.org/cityonahill5k I would love to have some friends join me! Can't wait to mark this new experience off the 7-11 List!

There's also one more upcoming new experience to report. It's probably the thing that I am most looking forward to. My amazing cousin, Jaci (check out her awesome blog here: www.meandmysoldierman.com ) introduced me to the NaNoWriMo Novel-Writing Challenge that begins November 1st. This is a month dedicated to motivating aspiring writers to stop just thinking about writing that novel someday, and actually put pen to paper and make it happen. Over the course of the month of November, writers from all over the world will be accepting the challenge of writing 50,000 words or more of an original fiction novel of their own. By gaining momentum and encouragement from other writers, I am ready to try my hand at this! I'm not at all sure what my novel will be about yet. I have been brainstorming many ideas. I am just excited to have a goal and a deadline and something that I can accomplish on my own and have something to show for my efforts in the end. How amazing will I feel if I follow-thru with this challenge and write something publish-worthy?! I'm beyond excited about November! I'm also excited to share with everyone my progress, so stay-tuned! :)

As I said before, it's been a busy, chaotic week and I'm not satisfied with my progress, but I am looking forward to accomplishing twice as much this week, so be prepared for a longer post next Monday! Until then, enjoy this fall weather! We plan on taking advantage of the brisk breeze and chilly, autumn temperatures. In fact, this afternoon I'm off to learn a thing or two about cardboard forts, scraped knees, and the magical healing powers in a pile of backyard dirt. :)