Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Your Kids Do Not Wear Fur Coats

Yep, ya gotta love 'em. It's the law. Try not loving your pet and see what happens. Don't get the idea I'm against animals or having a pet or two. I have had 3 dogs, 5 cats and probably a few other critters runnin' around here since we have been married. Currently, the two little monsters (boys) are all the animals I need, but I am in no way not pro-animal. But...animals are not people and shouldn't be treated as such. Please don't be offended. It's just a fact of life whether we act like it is or not. I've put a great deal of thought into this hypothesis (well, I did think about it for a little while anyway). I think I've come up with 10 definitive reasons we can all agree on proving my case.

Reason 1: Lousy conversationalists.

Pets don't talk. Notice I didn't say they can't. I said they don't. Other than the random bird or two, nothing. Not a word. They either have nothing to say, in which case, they're beneath us on the food chain as any person always has something to say no matter how insane. Or, they deem us unworthy of conversation whereby they station themselves far above us and remove themselves from the realm of peoplehood. If an entity has the gift of speech, sooner or later something is gonna happen requiring some sort of statement from that entity. Accidently drop a dozen eggs on the kitchen floor (done it). One of your cats will stand there watching you clean up the mess and I swear you can see what he's thinking, "Smooth move, Sherlock", but he doesn't utter a peep (or purr). We used to have a parrot that could only say "Dumb". (Thanks to my little brother). One of the cats ate him, I think. You'd have thought he'd yell for help.

Reason 2: They're pets.

They're pets! That should be enough right there to disqualify them as human. Yeah, we all have a pet we think of as a member of the family. We even give 'em our last name and act like they're somebody. They're a PET! What living, breathing, thinking human would allow themselves to become a pet?

Try this....go next door and buy your neighbor's 5 year old for, say, $500. Make sure you get the papers on him so you can register him (this is in case somewhere down the line you want to breed him and sell the forthcoming litter). Have him eat and drink from two little bowls with his name on them that have been place on the floor, usually next to the kitchen garbage can. Smack him on the nose whenever he does something wrong and make him use the bathroom out in the yard regardless of the weather. If you do indeed try this, call me when you've completed your prison sentence. We'll do lunch.

Reason 3: No sense of financial responsibility.

Money means nothing to our pets. They never seek to enter the job market, aren't concerned about earning a decent wage, do not buy American. They're just there, sponging off the rest of us, napping, eating, sleeping, scratching, sniffing their lives away. Blissfully ignorant of what it takes to survive in todays economy.

Case in point; my sister has a weenie dog. A very pampered weenie dog that constantly gets new toys from PetsMart, gourmet dog food, and the best of the best bacon treats. Yet he eats her shoes. Flip flops Nikes, Nine West heels, Coach boots, everything. How fiscally irresponsible can ya get?

Growing up on a few acres, we went through 50 bales of hay each year to feed the cows through the winter. Do you know that's about $20 a bale?! Do the math. Do you think that even once these cows have ever chipped in to cover the expense? Never! And, to add insult to injury, they won't just eat the darn hay. They have to walk on, pee on it, play in it or, sometimes, turn their noses up at it cause they obviously want something else.

Reason 4: Carpet is toilet paper.

Be honest. You've seen your pet do this. Drag his or her butt across the carpet. Somebody want to explain this to me? I once had a pet rabbit for a while that did the same thing so don't tell me it's worms (by the way, one of the cats was always trying to eat the rabbit. See, not human.)

When was the last time you went to a dinner party and at some point during the evening you, during conversation, excused yourself, pulled down your pants, drug your butt back and forth across the carpet a few times, pulled your pants up and said, "Whew, that's much better!"?

Wonder why the Johnsons never invite us over anymore?

Reason 5: Eat or drink anything.

As humans we're very selective regarding what goes into our mouths. Pets could care less. The grosser the better seems like. If you have a pet that drinks from the commode, raise your hand. Every hand went up. You ever drink from the commode? It taste funny cause of that blue stuff we put in the tank. Also, if you're not careful the lid falling can give you a concussion. We all know what we've seen dogs eat in the yard. I ain't going there.

I once had a friend in elementary school who had several praying mantis in an aquarium as pets. When they mated, the female ate the rest of the guys. First, this did help us distinguish which were male and which were female and second, sex ain't all that much fun for some pets. Some pets will eat their young. I'm not gonna say this is a bad thing. I have 2 boys. I've often thought eating your young before they became a real pain might not be such a bad thing. I didn't do it though. Not so much because I thought it was wrong, because I knew I'd never get away with it and I know what happened to Jeffery Dahmer when he was sent to prison. See, I'm human.

Reason 6: Body parts.

Most, but not all, pets have tails. Nothing wrong with a little tail. I've seen some very nice ones I'll admit. However, if you can put your tail in your mouth, or if you can chase it around in a circle and catch it, you're not human. No thumbs (unless you have a pet monkey). As a result, pets make lousy artists, mechanics, typists, they're no fun to pay catch with, they can't even hitchhike. I'll guarantee you've never had your pet thumb his nose at you.

They have cold noses. So do Alaskans but they have a good reason. It's pretty dang cold where they are. Pets' noses are cold when they're healthy. What's with that? If a human's nose is cold they do something about it. Pets could care less. As a matter of fact, I believe they're proud of the fact. Look at where they're always poking the cold thing!

Reason 7: Gaseous Gas.

Everyone has gas at one time or another. Yes, even your girlfriend, mom, gramma, etc. Everyone. If you didn't, you'd explode. No human has gas that comes remotely near that of indoor pets. You can be minding your own business, sitting on the sofa watching the game with your trusty dog, Lexi, by your side. Suddenly there's a wave of aroma washing over you that smells something like a dead beaver smoking a cheap cigar that was previously soaked in yak urine. Anything, or anybody for that matter, that can emit a smell like that is not only not human, they're not even from this planet.

Reason 8: No sense of self-preservation.

Horses will run right back into a burning barn. Dogs will chase 3,000 lb. automobiles, cats will climb miles up a tree knowing they can't possibly climb down. What gives? They're not just dumb or careless, they're not human. I'll be the first to admit we as humans can be pretty stupid. We drink and drive, participate in extreme sports, marry red-heads, etc. but, we learn from our mistakes for the most part. You can climb the tree or call the fire department to get the cat down and he'll run right back up the tree.

Animals appear not to care whether they live or die. There are so many sail animals (a sail animal is one that's been run over numerous times, dried, and can be thrown like a frisbee) on country roads you'd think the possum, rabbit, raccoon populations would be growing pretty thin. Which reminds me, if you see a possum and a lawyer run-over on the highway, how can you tell them apart? There are skidmarks in front of the possum.

'Nough said.

Reason 9: Pets have no depth perception.

I don't exactly know why I included this as a reason. I'm not even sure I know what I mean. Give me a break, I'm only human. I will tell ya this. My childhood dalmation would bark at and chase clouds. Haven't got a clue what that signifies but he did it.

Reason 10: Pets can't tell time.

Our pets have no concept of time. Whether you leave the house to go to the grocery or to Holland, your pet doesn't know the difference. When you return they're just as happy to see ya back from one trip as they are the other. To them, you weren't just going to be gone for an hour or a week, you were gone for good. I've never owned a pet that wore a watch. I don't think a single one of our cats or dogs has ever even glanced at a clock. There is one thing they do know. When it's time to eat. How do they know? These non-humans will stand at the kitchen door at the exact same time every morning and evening waiting for the lunch wagon and yet the same animal will set with me in the den watching the weather channel and still not get out of the rain he had to know was coming.

I rest my case.


  1. Oh man. I was labeled the bad puppy parent by my in-laws when we went home in August because I said I don't consider the dogs my "babies." I love them, they're my boys, but until they can call me Mommy, they are not my children. This was, apparently, shocking. As was not sharing my plate with them, but that's a whole different set of issues.

  2. My cat just barfed on my bed - I mean, I guess my six month old kind of does that...I call it reflux. But the cat proceeded to flick around its little puke nuggets with its paw and then re-ate them. Off my bed. And got all disappointed when I cleaned it up. So, yeah. Pets are not people.

  3. ok, laughed so hard I was crying!!