There comes a time in everyone’s life where they must do something impossible. Something so difficult that they avoid doing it until the very last minute. Yes, I am talking about buying your mother a gift—whether it’s for her birthday, Mother’s Day or some other holiday that makes a last-minute trip to the mall for a coffee mug necessary.
This is serious, people. There are mothers all over the country who right now are quaking at the thought of putting another World’s Greatest Mom mug in their cupboards. Mother’s who awaken at night screaming in terror from the nightmares caused by all the bathrobes they’ve received over the years. Or the delicious pancake breakfasts that burned down their kitchens (oh, wait, that might just be my mom).
Anyway, I am here to help. I have compiled a very handy list of what not to get your mom for any holiday or occasion. And before you ask, these gifts all exist and no, I’m not buying any of them for my mom.
- Sushi Bath Soap Gift Set. This set of several sushi-shaped soaps comes in a little wooden box for that authentic sushi feel. And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that your mom loves sushi. You’re thinking that when mom gets to pick the restaurant, it’s always Japanese, right? So wouldn’t sushi-shaped soap be perfect for mom? No. No, it wouldn’t. Take it from me; nothing says “ick” like washing your face with a California Roll.
- Squirrel in Underwear Dramatic Oil Painting. Really. I wish I could make this stuff up. I’d be the funniest person on the planet, not to mention the weirdest. But this little gift is exactly what it sounds like: an oil painting of a squirrel in his tighty-whiteys, set against a background of green grass. Now I realize that this is exactly the kind of art you believe should be hanging in your mom’s foyer—but she doesn’t agree. Trust me. That’s why you find so many of the poker playing dog paintings at garage sales.
- The Wine Rack. Yes, a wine rack does sound like a great gift. But this is no ordinary rack—it’s a wine rack for your mom’s rack. Yes, it’s a giant, inflatable bra that fills with alcohol. I know this is every man’s dream. But trust me when I tell you this is not a mother’s dream, no matter how you try to justify it.Yes, there are times when Mom needs a little sip of some “mom juice” so she can stay sane after a long day at the park with a toddler engaged in the terrible twos. Look, I’ve been that mom on the playground whose child is having a full-on, nuclear-level meltdown. And I’ve wished for a way to dull the noise. But never have I wished I could just whip out a straw, stick it in my bra and suck down some Chardonnay. It’s wrong. Plus, if you drink too much from one side, you end up lopsided and nobody wants to see that.
- Talking Toilet Paper Roll Holder. Um, okay. I’m thinking this one should be self-explanatory, but apparently not. Look, your mom doesn’t just sit around in the bathroom wishing someone would talk to her. She’s hiding in the bathroom so she can have peace and quiet. So when she unrolls the toilet paper and a voice says, “Hi, how’re you doing” you are going to scare the you-know-what out of her. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- Better Marriage Blanket. This blanket absorbs certain, er, odors. You know, the odors I’m talking about. They’re the odors your mother always blames on the dog, whether you have a dog or not. But this revolutionary blanket takes those odors and somehow manages to make them disappear—yes, even smellies your dad makes will be gone in a poof of…well, they’ll be gone. Now I know this sounds like an awesome gift. After all, what woman doesn’t want to be completely shielded from odorous emissions forever? But it’s not the perfect gift. Because what this gift says is, “Mom, we know you pass gas.” Not a good thing to say to Mom. Save this for Dad. He’ll love it.
Of course, there are many, many more bad gifts out there. So my advice to you is to buy her flowers. They’re pretty. They smell good. And they won’t speak to her during her private time.